And then he was gay!
by VEGETA-RIAN01
Summary: Sasuke is an FBI agent whose all work and no play according to Naruto. He tries to throw a surprise party to make Sasuke unwind, but things go horribly wrong and Sasuke's apartment is wrecked instead. Feeling responsible Naruto gets him a place to rent, the only problem is the pink-haired landlady wants a female room mate. So what's Naruto's solution? Pretend your gay.
1. Chapter 1

Author's disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This story is for entertainment purposes and not monetary gain.

**AN: Sasuke is a teeny-tiny-bit less dark than he supposed to be, but that's because this is an alternative universe story.**

**Note: thoughts are in italic. * this symbol indicates translation of Japanese words to English.**

* * *

Chapter 1

Sasuke's POV:

"I like your suit." Her smile was dangerous, lips juicy red as she nips my chin ever so lightly; running her manicured nails down my throat. I laugh, penetrating her hot gaze with mine. "Thanks…too bad I can't say the same about that sly personality of yours."

She steps back, detaching herself from my lap and those dangerous lips curl maliciously. Her eyes narrow as she crosses her arms and turns her head to address the bulky bodyguard in the room; talking to him in Russian. "Distsiplina etogo cheloveka," her thick accent resonates through the dimly lit study and I smirk, _discipline this person huh? Bring it on woman_. Pain shoots through my lower abdomen and I cough, groaning as my stomach churns. Her bodyguard pulls the knuckle duster off his hand and takes his position back at the door. I try to ignore the pain throbbing in my stomach and twist my bound hands, testing to see if I could free them from the chair it was attached to. The woman takes a deep breath, her large bosoms rising heavily in the thin silk dress she wears, before stepping towards me again; purposely giving me an eyeful of her cleavage. "I'm not going to ask again agent Sasuke. We know you never came alone to our ball, tell me where your partner is. Is he hiding somewhere in the mansion? If he is surely you don't think he won't be found. Look how easily we were able to find you sneaking around this very study."

I scoff at the remembrance. My mission had been simple; I was to infiltrate this mansion as a guest to a party with that idiot Naruto, moreover, locate and apprehend the Russian Mafia Godfather Povarsky. Intel had indicated that he was hosting a party, using an alias and fake corporation name to celebrate the fake corporation's business success. The party itself was a front; it was meant to draw attention away from Povarsky and his partners as they held a secret meeting with criminal lords from across the globe to buy and sell things from black diamonds to drugs. Unfortunately we didn't know exactly which room the meeting was being held in, and we decided to split up and search. Once I had entered this study someone came from behind me and knocked me unconscious. When I woke up this aristocratic annoying bitch was in front of me. They had bound me to this stupid chair, destroyed my earpiece microphone, and took my gun away.

Her eyes narrow at my silence and she pinches the bridge of her nose irritably.

"Dayte mne nemnogo kofe!" she barks to one of her guards. He speaks into his sleeve, which most probably has a microphone in it and orders the person on the other side to fetch the bitch some coffee. "I'm tired of playing games agent Sasuke, either you tell us what we want to know or I'll have to let my guard beat it out of you!"

Before I can answer the door opens and a man in kitchen clothes comes in, asking in Russian if he could leave her coffee on the table. Her eyes don't leave mine and she doesn't turn around to acknowledge the coffee boy; instead she waves her hand irritably, "Da! da!" indicating for the man to hurry up and get out. She then continues to try and probe information out of me, first by smacking me across the face and then by gripping her hand in my hair to pull my face up towards hers. "Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way-"

"I prefer the hard way," I smirk. Her nostrils flare in anger and she snaps her fingers in the air again commanding her lapdog to punch me again. There is no response and I can't help but laugh. Her eyebrows rise at my expression and she turns around to face her guard, except there is none, I know this because I saw him get knocked unconscious and placed silently on the floor. I roll my eyes, "What took you so long dobe(*deadlast)?" the woman pales and staggers back when she sees the blonde-haired coffee boy still in the room; holding a gun out.

"Yeah, yeah. Keep your panties on teme(*bastard), it took me forever to find the place she was keeping you in, if I didn't overhear the kitchen staff talking about the captive she had in the study I would have never found you in this stupid mansion. She cut off your damn communications; I thought it would take me forever."

He knocks the bitch out unconscious as she tries to scream for help, and he unties me from the chair. I retrieve my equipment from the table and shake my head, "Off all the things you do to rescue me, you disguise yourself as a coffee boy."

He snarls at me, "Hey, I save your ass didn't I?"

"Yeah whatev-"

**BANG! **

The door blasts open and a guard draws out his mini Ak47. Both Naruto and I dive across the room, taking cover behind the furniture. The cascade of bullets hits hard against the furniture and the loud pop of bullets being released echoes around. I block my ears; peering through the debris of the man's carnage; which flies around. The carnage pauses as the man hurries to change the magazine, but I'm too fast for him. I zap out from hiding and pop two bullets into the man's chest. Naruto whistles, scratching the back of his head as he looks about the damage, "So much for this mission being covert."

I roll my eyes and lead the way out the door, only to be bulldozed to the ground by another damn bodyguard.

"Sasuke!" Naruto yells, ready to assist me, but is interrupted by a bullet that whizzes past his ear. He takes cover in the corner and starts fencing with the guy across the corridor as they fire bullets at each other; whilst I roll about on the floor, trying to break out of the guards' chokehold. I rip his hands from my throat and sock him in the face, breaking his nose, and then give a good kick to his ribs, fracturing them. At the same time my opponent falls, so does Naruto's as he pops the guy in the head.

"Well that wasn't too bad," Naruto huffs out, but I beg to differ. "I don't think they agree with you," I say pointing at the end of the corridor where three guys with suits rounded the corner, frozen for a split second at the sight of us.

"Crap!" Naruto yells as we take off, running as fast as we can, dodging bullets along the way. The problem was we were running towards a dead end, nothing but big glass panes that showed the view of the ball room from two stories high. But now is not the time for second thoughts and the dobe knows that. We catapult through the glass, and as we fall Naruto screams his ass off like a little girl.

* * *

"Watch out!" I yell to Naruto as we lay on our backs in pain in the ballroom. Bullets rain down upon us as we roll under a long dining table for cover. The guests are screaming and running around in panic, this gave us an opportunity to escape. With the table obscuring the view of the gunmen above; we quickly rolled out and blended with the crowd. As we ran out the door a fist came flying to my face. I dodge it with a millisecond to spare, grabbing his arm in a hold and spin him to the floor; judo style. However, it doesn't stop there, another guy takes a swing at me and I duck to the left before upper cutting him. The man stubbles into a chair, growling, before lifting the object and swinging it at me. I dodge and disarm him, grabbing the back of his head as I pull it down to knee him in the face. I then drop him to the ground with a punch to the jaw, breaking it. Another guy, yet again, comes from the side with a 9mm pistol, but I'm too fast for him; slipping my fingers across the gun and taking it out of his hands and then drop kicking him. I land on my back as he flies through the window, pieces of glass fall on my face and cut my cheek. I groan, trying to stand, my body is battered, bloodied, and bruised. As I twist to my hands and knees I see Naruto struggling to get out of the hold his opponent had him in. the man had his arms around the dobe's neck, choking him, and his legs around his torso from behind. The dobe was turning red in the face as he tried to swing the guy off of him; he finally backed up against a wall, hitting his back against it hard to get the leech off. Once the man's arms slackened Naruto reached up and pull the man's head down, spinning the guy forward into a table; breaking it in half.

"Ah ah!" Naruto pants holding his knees, "Remind me again why we crashed this party? I mean that bastard knows we are coming, he and his gang are most probably gone by now?"

I smirked wiping some blood from my busted lip, "Dumbasses like Povarsky are too overconfident of their resources. He isn't worried about us; in fact he probably thinks we're dead by now. The damn bastard is probably still in the meeting and thanks to that woman running her mouth off while she was interrogating me, I now know which room the meeting is in. This deal that he is making is worth millions, he isn't leaving until it's done. We got 30 maybe 20 minutes left, got any plans in that empty head of yours?"

"Empty!? Why you bastard! I saved your life with this so called empty head of mines!"

I lift my gun at him and pull the trigger, he ducks in time just like I knew he would and I end up shooting the guy behind Naruto who had drawn his own gun to shoot us. His lifeless body drops to the floor and the dobe gaps at me like a fish. "Who's saving whose ass I wonder?" I smirk.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…hey maybe we could use these. Blind them and assassinate everyone in that room except for Povarsky?" He bends down and pulls a few flash-bang grenades from the dead man's jacket.

"So you do have a brain in that head of yours."

"Ha ha… so funny."

* * *

Someone slaps my dislocated shoulder lightly, and I hiss in pain.

"Ah gomen na(*sorry) Sasuke. I didn't realise you had injured your shoulder," Kakashi says, his eye crinkles in the corner giving me the impression that he was smiling beneath that mask of his.

"Hn," I reply, nudging Povarsky forward roughly, handing him over to my fellow colleagues', Shikamaru and Neji, for interrogation.

"You're late sensei. Ba-chan(*granny) is having a cow looking for you," Naruto giggles like a child as he nurses his broken arm.

"Tsunade is looking for me is she? Where is she?" came Kakashi's reply.

"We met her at the entrance."

"Mmm, well you two should head to the infirmary and get yourselves patched up…you looked like hammered shit." Kakashi laughs before going to go look for Tsunade.

"Well teme I'm going home to have my lovely wife heal me. Good luck getting medical care from Karin," he winks before he too walks away. That damn dobe knows full well I hate that redhead wench; in fact I hated every woman who was clingy, annoying, loud, stupid, and desperate. The dobe was lucky he had a wife like Hinata to look after and care for him, he had a place to call home filled with people who love him. I, on the other hand, have a dark empty abyss to call home. No one to call family ever since…ever since my brother murdered them all. I feel a sudden lump rise in my throat and a sting at the back of my eyes. It's been 7 years now since my loved ones died and almost 3 years since my bastard of a brother was assassinated by me. I pinch the bridge of my nose and shake the memories from my head. _Stop remembering Sasuke, just forget about it all._

* * *

**Sakura's POV:**

I come out from the surgery room and inform the elderly woman that her husband was going to be just fine. She bows down and thanks me with tears in her eyes. I smile politely, clearing my throat as I scurry away to the locker room to change out of my doctor's clothes into my casual wear. Once in the locker room I look around to see if anyone else is there and when I see there isn't I burst out laughing. "Oh…oh god…I can't keep it in anymore…hahahahaha…Oh god." I literally laugh until I needed to freaking pee! Even after I had changed and left the room, I still couldn't suppress my giggles. I spot my best friend Ino in the cafeteria and take a seat next to her, still giggling like a maniac. She raises an eyebrow at my oddness, "God what drugs did you take, this afternoon?"

"You'd laugh too if I told you what happened."

"And what is that?"

"An elderly man ate too much Brussels sprouts and his stomach started to hurt. The wife thought he might have a tapeworm or something and rushed him to the hospital. When we took him into the surgery room he started farting no stop…haha oh gosh…turns out it was just the bad case of gas."

"You have a weird sense of humour billboard brow."

"Oh shut up pig. Anyway I finally bought my dream apartment!" I squeal in glee.

"What! Oh that's awesome girl, is it that one in uptown Konoha with the three bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen, lounge, laundry room, study room, and the patio with a pool?"

"Yes! That's the one. Ah I've been waiting so long to get this place and now I finally own it. However, I'll have to get a tenant to rent half the place so that I can pay the mortgage off."I sigh sadly.

"Why isn't Gara helping his precious baby sister?" Ino cooed

I scowl at the mention of my older brother's name, "I told you Ino I want to be independent without my brother's influence, just because he is going to be president of the Kazekage enterprise doesn't mean I want to ask him for money."

"I know, I'm just surprised that he is letting you out of his sight that's all. I still can't believe he allowed you to buy the apartment."

"Trust me it took lots of convincing. Besides I promised him I'll only rent to females, not males. And that I'd pay the mortgage off in three months max and ask the tenant to move out. So that in itself made him open to the idea."

"uh oh…"Ino suddenly said, "Ex-boyfriend at 12 o clock."

My hearts starts pounding and my palms suddenly feel sweaty. "Sakura? Haruno Sakura is that you?" _of course it's me you bastard and you know it!_ I turn around slowly and push my anger all the way deep, deep, deeeep, down. "Oh hi Kiba, what are you doing here?" He smiles that 100watt smile that still sends butterflies a flutter in my stomach_. Shanaro! Bad Sakura bad! We got over this jerk the moment we found him in bed with another woman._ "I'm actually bringing my girlfriend in. Akamaru has been moody for a while and he kind of bit her for no reason." I feel sad about this, not because he brought that whore he cheated on me with to the hospital, but because Akamaru is a sweetheart, he would never snap at anyone without explanation. So that bitch…uh I mean witch…oh dear did I just say witch? I mean lady must have interfered with him somehow. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," I say as politely as I can without knocking his head from his shoulders. He shrugs and then scratches the back of his head nervously, "hey Sakura how come you don't reply to my messages on Facebook anymore? I've been trying to contact you…don't tell me you are going to keep me at the edge waiting for a reply? "

I purse my lips, trying my best not to scream the unladylike words that are coursing through my head at the moment and force myself to smile, "oh I've been so busy these past days I'm sorry. You don't have to wait at the edge anymore I'll poke you."

Ino muffles a giggle in her hand, obviously getting the joke, but Kiba just smiles like a retard and says cool before walking off.

"Ino," I hiss through clenched teeth, "Give me something to hit."

* * *

Well that's the first chapter. Yes Sakura is Gaara's sister and the kazekage enterprise is a wealthy business in Konoha I just invented to get the story going. Please read and review, I'd love to hear your thoughts about the story so far. Many thanks.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This story is for entertainment purposes and not monetary gain.

**AN: Sasuke is a teeny-tiny-bit less dark than he supposed to be, but that's because this is an alternative universe story.**

**Note: thoughts are in italic. (*) this symbol indicates translation of Japanese words to English. *Dobe means dead last and teme means bastard.**

I'd like to thank the following people for reviewing, it really helped and the input is much apprieciated ^^: Crazymel 2008, sasukerr14, dino, mun3litKnight, Raikiri80, and a lot of others who reviewed as guests. Thank you once again and hope to read your reviews again.

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Chapter 2

Sakura's POV:

God why me? Was what I thought standing there in my grey tracksuit pants, slippers, and oversized Hello Kitty t-shirt. Why did I think that coming to the convenience-store in my pajamas at 8:00 o' clock at night was a good idea?

Confused?

Let me take you back 45 minutes ago; when I didn't feel like going outside to lie on the road and wait for a truck to run me over. I was in the middle of making supper when I realised that I had run out of bread at home...what's a grilled cheese sandwich without bread? So I head down to the convenience-store, thinking that I might as well buy milk too seeing as though I am already here. Stomach growling like hell, I try to make it as quick as possible. _I'm so hungry; okay Sakura speed and precision! _

I grab the bread and make my way to the dairy section...hang on...was that...holly freaking shit! My jaw drops and I pin my back against the cereal shelf. I couldn't breathe, my hands became tingly and my heart was doing a gymnastics routine in my chest. I started to move very slowly and quietly towards the voices I heard. When I got as close as I could without being seen, I peered around the edge of the shelf. Shit! It was him; Kiba. I crane a bit further, trying to see who he was talking to. _Oh god no!_ It's bitch-face, A.K.A Saffron; the women I found on all fours as Kiba bang her from behind, when he cheated on me. I close my eyes and try desperately to hear what they are saying. They were laughing, like love's young dream. It was enough to make me want to throw up right there in front of the All-Bran; _I have to get out of here!_ I couldn't and did not want to meet them_. My god I don't think I'd be able to restrain my violent inner from punching that woman's face in!_ I peeped over the cereal to where the door was. YES! It was still in the same place...hang on... if I make a break for it the heavily tattooed woman behind the counter might think I'm shoplifting, impale me on a stick, and parade me around town. I check the door again; a quick leapfrog over the stack of toilet paper, past the bread, and out the door; never to be seen again. _This was it, now or never!_

"Sakura?"

Shit! Not knowing what to do I panicked and began to swipe random items of the shelves like some lunatic shopper on black Friday.

"Sakura?" he repeated. _What should I do? Keep ignoring him?_ His voice was closer now and my heart pounded violently as I turned to face him. We stood there in silence for a while, before the quiet was broken by a high-pitched whine.

"Kiba darling, would you go ask and see if this shop sells shoes?"

_Shoes? At a convenience-store?_ Clearly this woman had her head screwed on wrong when she was born. "Like oh my gawd!" she exclaimed when she saw me, I growled at that fake smile plastered across her thick layered make-up filled face. "Sakura darling, it's been a while." I grind my teeth, clamping my fist tight as so not to "accidently" punch that head right of her shoulders.

"Erm Saff could you go get some band-aids, for me, from the third aisle please." Kiba muttered. She looked from him to me and back again, "But honey my arm is still sore, I can't carry the box."

My eyes glue to the bandage wrapped around her arm, the arm that Akamaru bit.

"Just see if they have any, I'll be there in a bit."

"Kay," she tweeted, sashaying down the aisle with her black stilettos. I become very aware of my attire at that moment seeing how dressed up she is; I suddenly start wishing I could just become invisible.

"Uh so hi again?" I roll my eyes, seriously was that all he was going to say? At that moment bitch-face decided to come back, her heels were clipping back to where we were standing. "Is she like going to blow a fuse and like pull my gorgeous hair out again?"

"Ssh, Saff just please keep quiet!" Kiba hushed.

"You said it yourself that she's most probably like still obsessed with you."

_BASTARD!_

"What? No...I didn't...I said...Oh ssh would you be quiet she's still in the shop!" he barked.

"I will not pussy-foot around her just because she has anger management issues. She lost, and she needs to get over it!"

LOST? That **was** my boyfriend not a bloody game of tennis! I almost snarl out at them as I stomp away to the counter. _Breathe Sakura, calm down_. "Sakura wait!" Kiba yells. "Just leave it!" I yell back, plunking down all the items I managed to gather during my fit of shopper's mania. There laid out in front of me, except for my bread, in all their embarrassing glory was a packet of pads, a aerosol can of odour destroyer, an odd brand of toothpaste for problem bad breath, and mounds of junk food. I reach for my wallet as the lady totted down what I owed.

"There's no price sticker on this toothpaste," she roared, "go over and check the price on another."

_**You. Have. To. Be. Kidding. Me.**_

By this time Bitch-face had snaked her way from behind Kiba and was surveying the scene. My cheeks flashed bright crimson. _Please god, kill me now!_ "Erm yeah, just a sec." I stagger back to the display and stand there muttering, "Price stickers, price stickers," like a mad woman. I could feel their eyes on me. I spot one and bring it over, hoping that the torture would end, but it doesn't as bitch-face smiles as innocently as she knows how and asks me if I'm going to eat all that junk food.

"Why do you need to know?" I snort, trying as best I could to save dignity.

"No reason...it's just that I've seen pictures of your mother...keep eating."

_**MOTHER OF FREAKING GOD I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! SHANORO!**_

* * *

Sasuke's POV:

"Fuck!" I snarl, gritting my teeth as I try to breathe calmly through my nose. The pain that had shot through my shoulder started to dissipate, leaving me with only an uncomfortable feeling.

"There all done Sasuke-kun, I popped your shoulder back in."

I narrow my eyes dangerously and emit the most hateful aura I could, "No shit Karin, I know you popped it in because I fucking felt it." The redhead pouts in a way that makes her resemble a fish and I inwardly shiver in disgust. I lie on the infirmary bed and throw my arm over my face, "Leave."

It was not a request, it was an order, but being as dumb as she is Karin doesn't get the hint and instead starts to trail her fingers up and down my arm. "Do you feel better now Sasuke-kun?" she coos.

"Hn," I snort trying to ignore her irritating presence, but her fingers trail higher up my hand to my wrist; as her fingers encircle it she tries to tug my hand away from my face. I on the other hand am losing patience as I take hold of her fingers in a vice grip. She yelps in pain and tries to tug her hand free from my excruciatingly painful hold. I let go of her finally and she stumbles backwards falling to the ground. I did warn her; in fact I'm losing my patience when it comes to her. I have no remorse, no affection and no emotion as I hiss out in rage, "I said get out!"

She doesn't even tremble, instead she gets up and winks at me, "You're not in a good mood right now; we will carry on later then." I can only shake my head sadly and sigh as she skips out the room. I calm down and lie back on the bed. I really dislike women like Karin: Nagy, bitchy, whiney, annoying, and most of all as daft as a dodo. If anything all women I meet tick that criteria, it's pathetic. One look their way and they all turn into harpies. Where has the chase gone? Seriously; if one woman could actually not turn into a mindless zombie when they take one glimpse at me and instead prove to be a bit of a challenge, an intellectual girl that could give me a bit of mental and emotional stimulation, I might actually like her. Sadly I haven't come across any such candidates and hence I tend to keep a distance from ALL women and focus myself in something more productive; like work. I don't care if the dobe calls me a workaholic emotionless prick, emotions are a mystery to me and they have been ripped straight out of my heart ever since...ever since my brother killed my family when I was 10. The only emotions that I knew and that consumed me was that of hatred and revenge, even after I had killed Itachi and achieved my goal, I was too far gone; drowning in anger. It was Naruto who gave me a bit of hope to restart and create a life from scratch. It took a lot of convincing and a few broken bones for me to finally cave in to Naruto's stubbornness, nevertheless, I'm still a workaholic emotions prick and that will NEVER change. Emotions, I had learnt the hard way, was nothing but a fucking weakness. _Run ,run, run little brother. _I grip my ears and grit my teeth, god I hate that voice. It was like the sound of a thousand nails scrapping on a blackboard ripped through my mind every time I heard it. The room suddenly feels smaller and I can't breathe. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I grab my tattered top and pull it on; staggering nauseously out the room. _Run, run, run little brother._

* * *

**Bang! Bang! Bang!**

The sound that I had become so accustom to echoes and the smell of gunpowder fills my nostrils settling my nausea. I pull my ear muffs and plastic safety glasses off, pressing the button on the side of the wall to reel my target paper in. A whistle sounds behind me, obviously impressed with my score.

"Damn teme, you got them all in the bulls-eye...so what's troubling you?" Naruto asked. He's dressed in clean crisp clothes and his bruises and cuts were covered neatly with bandages; seriously why couldn't Hinata patch me up instead of that crazy redhead. I roll my eyes, disassembling my gun and wiping each part carefully. "Hn," comes my response to the question he had asked.

"Don't get monosyllabic with me you asshole. I know something is troubling you; you always come to the range whenever there is."

I swear sometimes I hate how easily the stupid dobe reads me; like an open book. When I didn't answer and continued to ignore his questions with emotionless "Ah's" and "Hn's" he slapped his hands on the desk, his serious face suddenly morphing into that of a broken child. "I get it," he cried out dramatically, "You're shaken up from our last mission with fear that I nearly died..."

His stupid monologue carried on as he pretended to wipe a stray tear from his face, "...I completely understand the feeling... "

"Naruto ?" I say, but he isn't listening.

"...When your best friend is in danger and dies it leaves a hole so deep-"

"Naruto!" I roar this time.

"What is it Sasuke-kun?" he bats his eyelids jokingly in a way that makes me want to throw up on his face.

"If you die dobe, I'll be playing dance dance revolution on your grave."

He frowns, "yeah, yeah and when you die I'll hand out candies to the neighbourhood children and throw a party!"

* * *

"You work too hard teme."

I sigh and carry on with my paper work on the case we did on Povarsky. "And you're a lazy ass dobe who will always be a dobe because you will never beat me."

"Oh yeah?" he yells, blue in the face and easily riled up. He takes a deep breath in and tries to calm down, I raise an eyebrow at this because the Naruto I know would retort back to these taunts straight away. "Are you not feeling well Sasuke?"

"I'm fine…why?"

"Oh I was just wondering if I should write you a get well soon card…" he paused before yelling in my face, "So that you can recover quickly from your shitty personality!"

"Aah," is all I say knowing that it would rile him up even more. I expect him to roar back as usual, but instead he clobbers me over the head. I narrow my eyes down dangerously and stand. "Did you just hit me?"

The dobe shrugs, "I don't know. Does this count as hitting you?" he whacks me again. My nostrils flare in anger and I attack back; if this was a cartoon (An: hee hee ^^) there would be a dust cloud with limbs popping in and out of it.

"OK, Ok, break it up you two." Kakashi comes out of no where with Gai and pulls us apart. "Ah spring-full youth. Don't they remind you of us when we were their age?"

"They remind me of us right now," Kakashi says lazily opening that perverted Icha Icha book of his.

"Say what! We have more fighting spirit now than before dumbass; no one can defeat the power of our rivalry! Kakashi the youthful life in me challenges you to a rock, paper, and scissors tournament." Gai yells out whilst he pumps his fist enthusiastically in the air.

"Hai, hai," Kakashi sweat-drops as he walks away.

"Hey come back here and face me like a man!" Gai yells after him.

* * *

"Seriously teme you need a break. Have some fun in your life! Let me throw you a house party, come on don't say no. "

Sweat drops from my face as I lift the weights I was bench-pressing back up onto the holder and sit up; wiping my neck with a towel. "ok…niet."

The dobe rolls his eyes and follows me out the training room, "ok how about I throw you a small party at your apartment, come on it'll be fun! I'll call some strippers for you, it will be a boys night out." He winks suggestively. I take a gulp of water from my bottle and tell Naruto that there are three good reasons why I don't want have a party at my apartment. "Firstly, how is throwing a party at my apartment any different than throwing one for yourself at your house? Secondly, if I wanted you guys to be in my apartment I'd rather invite a bunch of farm animals, because they would leave my apartment in a much more cleaner state than you guys would, and lastly, your wife would impale both you and I on a stick and burn us alive if we bring strippers! Hn no party Naruto, now move I'm going to train some more. " I whip the dobe at the back of his head with my towel before walking away.

* * *

Naruto's POV:

I glare at the back of that chicken-butt hairstyle as the bastard walks away, rubbing the tender spot that was throbbing at the back of my head thanks to the teme. Lord knows when he will pull that stick that's lodged up his ass out. Mph the bastard needs a day off, or maybe he needs to get laid, lord knows he needs that. Yep, yep, all work and no play makes Sasuke a very dull boy indeed. A light bulb flashes in my head and I can't help but grin from ear to ear. I could throw a surprise party for the teme in his apartment, that way he can't back out of it and will be forced to participate! _Naruto you're so smart._ "Yosha*!" I give a very Lee-like yell and make my way to make preparations for the party.

* * *

It's Saturday and I manage to steal the teme's spare house key and have set everything up for the party. Lee, Shikamaru, Sai, Chouji, Neji, Gai, Kakashi and I wait patiently in the dark lounge for the teme to appear. It's 8:30pm and he still hasn't showed, gosh this man really needs a life. 9:00pm and still no teme, everybody is pretty much bored out of their minds.

**Much! Munch! Slurp! Slurp!**

I turn my head to the sound, so quickly I almost give myself whiplash. "Geh! Chouji you ass why the hell are you eating the food!" I try to swipe the beer and packet of Doritos from his hands, but he grips onto them tightly, "but I'm hungry!"I try to scold him, but by now Sai too starts drinking and Kakashi has turned the stereo on. Before I know it everyone is partying in the teme's fancy apartment without the teme! Sigh, you know what they say…if you can't beat them taser them…mmm or was it shoot them? Anyway it's not a very good saying. I too throw away my patience and unleash the party animal. Sorry Sasuke but you're missing out on the time of your life!

* * *

Sasuke's POV:

I'll kill them all. I'll tear their arms out of their sockets and beat them with it. Seriously I have a hundred ideas on how to kill them slowly and painfully. I honestly am seeing red, as I stare at the condition of my apartment. My lounge, which is connected to an open plan kitchen and dinning room, is totally wrecked. My granite counter table tops have been broken in half, most of my cupboards were ripped from the hinges and its contents spilled across the wooden floors; which had potholes in them now. Moreover, my glass top stove completely shattered, I'm pretty sure I see some sparks shooting out of it and I'm surprised it didn't cause something to catch on fire and burn down the house. My 80 inch plasma-screen smart TV and walls had bullet holes in them and I dread to know how the rest of my apartment looks like. As I thread amongst the alcohol reeking bodies on the floor, I know who exactly to blame for all of this…Naruto!

* * *

Well there you have it we are getting closer to the juicy stuff. Please read and review.

Yosha: a war-like cry. Used to pump ones-self up and encourage one to face a challenge.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This story is for entertainment purposes and not monetary gain.

**AN: Sasuke is a teeny-tiny-bit less dark than he supposed to be, but that's because this is an alternative universe story.**

**Note: thoughts are in italic. (*) this symbol indicates translation of Japanese words to English. *Dobe means dead last and teme means bastard.**

I'd like to thank the following people for reviewing, it really helped and the input is much apprieciated ^^: Bain, , mixxymae59, Temari323, ILoveSxS, ohsoblue, mun3litKnight, SMILE, ReaderxGirl789 , and a lot of others who reviewed as guests. Thank you once again and hope to read your reviews again.

* * *

Chapter 3

Naruto POV:

_I fell down some stairs._ That was the excuse that came rolling out of my mouth; when my wife saw me all battered and bruised. I couldn't possibly tell her the truth. She will kick my ass until I'm crippled and then deny me sympathy sex. I shiver just at the thought of it, I'd rather Sasuke throw me out of a window again. Seriously, he didn't even give me a chance to yawn; he just hauled me up by the collar and **whoosh** I went flying out the first story window…thank god it wasn't that high. I mean what kind of person does that to someone who's just woken up. Now along with a hangover I also have a major concussion.

Regardless, it is my fault that the teme now has no place to stay for 3 months; as renovations for his apartment will only be done in that time period. Guilt ridden I immediately go online to look for a solution that might salvage this mess I made. It takes me minutes to find a reliable sight that doesn't involve perverted old men pretending to be women or any other weird and unique people.

The house I find is quaint and small, but very luxurious; with a pool on a balcony, and more importantly it's pristine. One thing I have had hammered into my head, is that the teme is a clean freak, almost as much as he is a loner. The neighbourhood is quiet so that means less people to socialize with…just the way Sasuke likes it. Lastly, and most probably the best part; is that the rent that is needed fits Sasuke's requirements; a three month rental period at just the right price.

"Naruto supper is ready, come on down before it gets cold!" Hinta yells from downstairs.

"I'll be right there, give me five minutes!" I yell back, scanning the contract requirements that the landlord of the house had specified, "Let's see blah blah blah…picture…mmm what pictures do, I have of Sasuke's?"

Crap I only have two pictures of the idiot. The first picture is a random snap shot of the teme looking out of an aeroplane window; you can only see the side of his face and that ridiculous chicken-butt hairstyle. The last one is hilarious; I'm keeping it forever just in case I ever need to blackmail Sasuke. Being a party pooper, last year at the office Halloween party the teme decided not to dress up. So after a lot of force from Neji, Sai, Kakashi, and I; we had managed to throw Sasuke into a dress, with makeup and a wig. Boy he really did give us hell afterwards; silent treatment, banging my head against a wall randomly, you name it. You do not want to get on Sasuke's bad side; neither would you want to be around him when he is pissed.

"Naruto if you don't come down now the ramen will get cold." Hinta says worryingly.

_Wait a sec_…**ramen**…without reading the rest of the contract I clicked on any picture and just agreed to the terms before logging off, "Hinta don't you dare let that ramen get cold! Oh my sweet ramen!"

* * *

Sakura's POV:

"Come on Sakura. How long are you going to keep sulking for? It's been two weeks since you last saw Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum can't you just get over it?" Ino spits out irritably.

"I can't get over the humiliation." I sob into the phone.

"…"

"Hello?"

Ino sighs on the other side of the line, "Sooner or later you're going to have to get out of those granny knickers and gym pants; you're wearing."

"Alright alright, first let me get out of bed."

"Good, make sure you dress to impress. There's a new shop that opened at the mall, we can go scope it out as well as scope some fine ass -"

"I can't." I say abruptly.

"Why not?"

"I have to see if I've finally found a proper tenant. I haven't checked my email in these past few days and I'm getting a little desperate here; the rent has to be paid by this Friday or I'm in trouble."

"Oh well. At least try to groom yourself, even if you are sitting at home, so that you don't resemble a female version of Wayne Rooney."

I look at the mirror as she says that and gasp dramatically, "oh dear you're right. Just a little bit of dim lighting and a Man United jersey away from looking like you know who."

She laughs and tells me that I better do something quickly before the "Rooney-look" becomes permanent.

"I'll get on it as soon as I check my mail. Bye pig!"

"Bye Rooney." She giggles as she puts the phone down.

I swing my feet over the side of the bed and immediately grimace at the sight of my legs. Not a sight for the faint-hearted: they look like two giant, pink, Velcro watchstraps.

Ah…guess I'll have to hit the salon for a wax, but first things first I need to check my email. I was right; I did get some replies back, but the first few I read sound suspicious. However, one did stand out to me; most probably because the picture of the female tenant is breathtakingly beautiful…it makes me jealous. Heck this girl could just probably walk into a club and get all the men there to drop their jaws. I read and re-read the tenants name and frown. _Sasuke? Isn't that usually a male's name?_ Nevertheless, I shrug and accept the contract; you never know maybe the name Sasuke can be unisex, just like the name Jamie. I can't help but stare at her picture one last time and make comparisons. I'm not what you would call drop dead gorgeous like Ino, but neither am I average. In fact I love everything about my body except for three things: my forehead (which I think is too wide), my boobs (which are almost non-existent), and my shockingly natural pink hair. Usually when I meet men the first **nice** things they notice about me are the dimples on my cheeks, my green eyes, and my legs. So it's kind of sad that my legs, which I think is the sexiest body part I own, now resemble woolly mammoth's legs. I really need to get my ducks in a row. Screw Kiba and his mistress, I need to be pretty again! Salon here I come!

* * *

Naruto's POV:

Ah I'm so full, I think I ate like 8 servings of ramen…but they were 8 servings well worth stuffing down my throat. If I died right now I wouldn't have any regrets. The grin on my face grows wider when I see that the landlord had replied back to me and agreed to have Sasuke as a tenant.

"I need to let Sasuke know!" I exclaim, grabbing my phone and dialling his number.

"…The number you have dialled is currently unavailable please leave a message after the bee-"

"Damn stupid antisocial dumbass." I grumble as I cut the call and dial Kakashi instead.

"Yo." He answers the phone quickly.

"Kakashi do you know which motel the teme is staying at?"

"'A hello, how are you?' would be nice before you shoot questions at me Naruto."

"Yeah yeah…do you know where he is?"

"Mmm let's see I think I wrote it down somewhere, why do you need to know?"

"Because I found a place for him to stay where it's not infested with excrement or blood from previous murders that took place."

"If only you could find me a place to stay too. I'm stick and tired of being Gai's roommate. He snores louder than a lawn mower…" Kakashi suddenly pauses and breathes in deeply, "Sometimes I feel like taking a pillow and stuffing his face with it, until I can only hear the sound of my own panting and stop the snoring bastard once and for all!" he suddenly yells, "Breathe through your nose Gai your damn nose!"

"Uhm… back to the topic Kakashi." I say nervously.

"Huh? Oh yeah…Mmm he's at some place called the Red Dragon."

"Thanks Kakashi! See ya!"

_You better thank me for this Sasuke._

* * *

Sasuke's POV:

"The cleanest room, my ass" I growl and with my forefinger I glide it across the TV stand; only to leave a spotless trail in-between the dust collecting there. There is no way in hell I can continue staying in this shit-hole. I'd opt out of this place in a jiffy if it weren't for the fact that staying at the best hotel for three months costs more than Bill Gate's tooth. To be honest I'd rather sleep in my car on the side of the road, as I say this I walk out the room and into the parking lot where my glistening black HUMMER stood. I don't care what anyone thinks about my HUMMER. It is the only thing in my life that I care about and give value to. I like the fact that it isn't cramped and that it ploughs through and climbs over rocks with grit and spit and enough pure muscle to spare. And yeah, I like the fact that I could climb over other cars on the road if I have to. Just as I'm about to open the car door, a hooter sounds and I turn to see who it is.

"TEME!" a blob of spiky yellow hair pops out of a blue BMW M3 and I curse under my breath. Naruto clambers out of the car and scowls, "What kind of reaction is that? I even brought great news for you."

"Let me guess…you finally grew a brain?"

He rolls his eyes at me, "I was going to say that I've found a place for you to stay at, but if you're going to be a dick about it, maybe I'll give Kakashi the information instead."

This perks my interest, "really and what information might that be Naruto?"

"Not saying."

"…"

"Fine maybe if you could be nice and persuade me, I'll tell you."

My eyebrow twitches in irritation and I take in a deep breath. "Ok, how's this for persuasion. Tell me the information and I might **not** consider punching a hole through your teeth."

Naruto growls, "geez when will that stick ever come out your ass."

I narrow my eyes and he instinctively cowers a bit, "Alright, alright. Geesh, here."

He hands me a slightly crumpled paper and I try to make out what the scribble handwriting says. My eyes widen and I'm a little impressed that a man without a brain could actually find an adequate place for me to stay. I glance back at Naruto and see him bouncing with glee.

"I did good, didn't I? Come on admit it," he bounces faster.

"Hn."

"…"

"…"

"THAT'S IT, I'M PULLING THAT STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW! BEND OVER TEME!"

* * *

Sakura's POV:

I waddle down the street like a baby penguin. Too afraid to lift my arms or let my legs touch. God my skin is on fire after that gruesome wax. It feels like I just pulled myself out of a boiling pit of lava; I'm red everywhere, proof of the havoc unleashed on my Velcro legs and underarms. With the amount of DNA that came out from that waxing session, we could literally make a whole another person. But at least I was smooth again.

When I finally reach home, I immediately drop my stuff and head towards my computer to check for a response. Bingo!

**Dear Sakura, thank you for your response. I agree to meet you today at 15:00PM to discuss this further as you have asked. As for paying this months rent before Friday, we can discuss that further when we meet. Kind regards, Sasuke. **

I glance at the clock on my computer screen…shit it's already 13:30, and the house is a pigsty. Not to mention the house's owner, who was still in an oversized pair of granny pants. I had to look pretty; I could not be outshined by the goddess-like-beauty that was coming to visit. Just as I begin cleaning up, my telephone rings.

"Hello?"

"Forehead! Have you finally stopped transforming into a certain Man United football player?"

"Yep." I answer quickly and short as I zip across the house arranging and rearranging stuff.

"Mmm, Sakura?"

I untangle the vacuum cleaner from the closet, "Yep?"

"Are you going on a date?"

I trip over the Vacuum cleaner's cords and fall to the floor, "Oof! Mother Father! Ouch…What? No I'm busy cleaning because the new tenant is coming over soon to see the house."

"Ah well compared to your house, the city dump is like a fart in a hurricane." She sighs feeling sorry that I have to clean up all the mess that I had been collecting in my weeks of depression after seeing shit-face and his new mistress. "I know that's why I need to clean up as quickly as I can; you being on the phone occupying me is not helping."

Ino laughs, "Good luck babe, I'll be rooting for you in my Jacuzzi with a glass of campaign in my hand."

I roll my eyes playfully at her and grin, "Have one on me piggie."

* * *

I pace up and down nervously, rearranging my emerald cotton summer dress for the fifteenth time. Biting my lip nervously I look at myself in the mirror. Flowing wavy long pink hair…check, silky smooth peach skin…check, pink lip-gloss…check, black eyeliner…check, emerald green studded earrings…check, and lastly white strappy sandals…check. Not to boast or anything, but I looked good.

Just then the doorbell rang and my heart leapt to my throat. I rubbed my sweaty palms together and tried to get rid of the butterflies fluttering about my stomach. I take a deep breath and mutter, "Here goes nothing."

When I open the door the sight in front of me leaves me speechless…Sasuke is a man.

* * *

Sasuke's POV:

I'm just about to greet my new landlord, when a woman with bright pink hair and big green doe eyes opens the door for me. She jerks back after seeing me standing there and just when I think her eyes can't get any bigger, it does. Her lips begin to quiver and I sigh in irritation, geez could woman not be so fickle minded. I guess this woman is no different from the rest, going all gooey eyed and flattering eyelashes at me. For Naruto's sake I hope this girl is the landlord's daughter. But when she opens her mouth I see that I have it all wrong.

"What the hell?!"

I step back at her sudden aggressiveness and raise an eyebrow confusingly.

"What?"

"I said… What the hell?"

I'm shocked at the response of this woman. Where was the flirting? The baby noises women like to make to seem cute? The need to play damsel in distress, to find an excuse to initiate skin-ship? Where was all of that?

"Hello? Earth to Sasuke? Is anyone in there?"

Ok so the She-goat knows my name, which meant that she was my landlady. I clench my teeth in anger and imagine ways in which to slowly, but painfully end Naruto's life.

* * *

Naruto's POV:

I think I have about five minutes before Captain angry realises I lied to him and told him that he'd be roommates with a male. Well whatever, he'll get over it, he has no where else to go and he knows it. Better to just stick it out for three months and then go back to living in that dungeon-like-house of his. I did nothing wrong right? Right? So then why was I getting a nagging feeling at the back of my brain?

"ARG!" I rub my temples and try to think of what it is that I may have done. Something tells me I should recheck the emails I had sent to the landlady, I was in a rush last night filling in the form because of my ramen…could it be that I missed something out? I gulp nervously, when I feel a shiver of fear run down my spin and quickly check the mail. As my eyes read the document, I feel as though my stomach sinks to the floor, because there in big bold letters it says…**FEMALE TENANTS ONLY**.

And I went further with my stupidity and sent the picture of Sasuke cosplaying as a girl.

"Shit, I'm so screwed, I'd better head down there and make this right," I say as I jump into the car. When I reach the house I can already see missiles flying from the Teme's mouth to the landlady and visa versa. I sneak out the car and hide behind the bushes to assess the situation better.

"I'm the liar? Yeah right! Pull your head out of your ass women, I already told you that it was a misunderstanding!"

Eep! Oh no…big trouble, big trouble!

"Pssh stop trying to defend yourself! You are a perverted liar!"

OH dear, I can hear growling sounds coming from Sasuke. I'm afraid he might actually rip her head off for that comment. What do I do? Light headed and heart pounding heavily I jump out of the bushes in hopes to salvage this issue and say the first thing that comes to my mind, "SASUKE IS GAY!"

**Oh shit what have I done?**

* * *

Well that's another chapter in the bag…finally. I'd like to apologise for the lateness, but I'm really under a lot of pressure and stress at university. I'd like to thank those for understanding and being patient. Much love and I really hope you continue to read and support this story^^


	4. Chapter 4

Author's disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This story is for entertainment purposes and not monetary gain.

**AN: Sasuke is a teeny-tiny-bit less dark than he supposed to be, but that's because this is an alternative universe story.**

**Note: thoughts are in italic. (*) this symbol indicates translation of Japanese words to English. *Dobe means dead last and teme means bastard.**

I'd like to thank **everyone** who reviewed. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. A lot happened before I could type this chapter out, from postgraduate studies to a cyber stalker…mostly the cyber stalker thing. I was kind of scared to release this chapter because of it. I thought about blocking this person but that doesn't really prevent this person from creating another account and doing the same thing so there is really no point. So screw the stalker I'm releasing this chapter after much thought and using my spare time from studies.

* * *

Chapter 4

Naruto's P.O.V:

The sweat pools around my armpits and in my hands; I gulp at the look on Sasuke's face. His eyes turned darker than their usual black and his jaw clenched tight enough to cut through steel. I know that look, heck that's the look he gave when he absolutely, positively, undeniably hated your existence. Was it too late to grovel at his feet and beg for forgiveness? Those flared nostrils practically blowing hot smoke told me it was.

Whilst thinking of other "brilliant" ideas that could get me out of **this **mess, I couldn't help but let my eyes stray to the shocked woman standing next to Sasuke; Sakura I think her name is.

The land lady.

She seems to be processing the events that had just occurred as she stares blankly into thin air. I analyse her a little bit longer in this awkward silence. She has shockingly pink hair, a small nose, a wide forehead. Dimples. She is not the blonde bombshell of my adolescent dreams, but she is pretty in a simple way. Her legs are kind of nice… I gasp, averting my eyes; realising that I am checking someone else out, who isn't my wife. Guilt turned in my stomach and I wonder if Sakura noticed. A quick glance won't hurt. I gulp as my eyes slide up and I turn my head slowly to the side. She suddenly meets my eyes and I jump; quickly looking back to the front.

"Who are you?" she asks breaking the awkward silence.

"You don't want to know," Sasuke replies his voice low, and snarl-like.

_Oh boy._

"Hee hee," I laugh nervously, "who me? I'm N…Naruto, Sasuke's friend."

Crap Sasuke is fuming; he is practically vibrating in his skin with fury.

I'm so dead.

Sob.

I'll be hung on Sasuke's wall as a personal punching bag. Goodbye cruel world.

My only regret is that I'll be dying without knowing what's behind Kakashi's mask. Or maybe it's a good thing I don't, heck **you all** remember what happened when the predator took off its mask!

Right? Am I right?

"His friend?" Sakura asks, "not his…uhm…how do I put this…boyfri-"

"HECK NO!" Sasuke and I scream out simultaneously, he bites his lip in frustration and I suddenly feel like throwing up on the side walk as that horrible memory of us accidentally bumping our mouths together during our FBI trainee days pops in my head. In those days, I had disliked Sasuke with a passion; alright maybe I was even a little bit jealous of the guy's skills. He was at the top of the class and I, on the other hand, was dangling at the bottom. Dobe (dead last) was that stupid annoying nickname he gave me, every time I had challenged him and he'd wipe the floor with me. Then, one day, during our theory class on Tactical Response; I had jumped on his desk and stared right in his face, growling at him.

I had enough of losing and was going to give him a piece of my mind! When… stupid Lee bumped me from behind and I went sailing into…into…into- gah I can't say! I suddenly feel like curling up in a corner somewhere and crying.

Sniff my first kiss god damn it! _Give me back my first kiss! _I shudder, shaking my head vigorously as if to throw the memory out of my head forever.

After that day I was thankful that the rumours about me being… you know what, stopped. Sasuke on the other hand had it a lot tougher. He had shown no interest in girls and that left people to speculate. In fact Sasuke hated all women, yes I mean ALL. Every single one of them except his departed mother, bless her soul. By his definition women were frustrating, clingy, annoying stalkers. He had about five restraining orders issued to women who had broken into his house to steal his hoodies or underwear. There was even this one crazy who hid in his closet for five hours so that she could sleep next to him when he had gone to bed.

I have yet to meet a sane woman who could melt that ice cold heart.

And that's when it clicked, my ticket to freedom. I fold my hands and give a silent thank you to the heavens above. Sakura hadn't done any of those crazy things; in fact she had insulted the almighty Uchiha Sasuke!

"Teme!" I suddenly yell, making them both jump a bit in surprise. I circle my arm around his neck bravely despite the growling noises that emanates from his throat. I look at Sakura and nod my head politely, "please excuse us for just a moment."

She just stares uncomfortably as I drag Sasuke to the side.

Once out of earshot Sasuke shrugs my arm off and hisses, "This had better be good."

* * *

Sasuke's P.O.V:

The fury came so quickly I couldn't hide it. There was literally 100 things I could say that would make ones ears bleed, but I stand quietly waiting for the rage to clear from my vision. I don't say anything, even when it's obvious that the dobe is pissing in his pants right now, most probably scheming ideas to get him out of this.

**BUT** I wasn't letting him off that easy! I'll skin him alive, skewer him, and then dip him in molten lava!

Thanks to him I now have two more problems to deal with; first I had to find a new place to stay, because there was no way I was staying in close proximity with an annoying woman. Second she and two joggers across the street now think I'm gay.

"Who are you?" her question pops me from my thoughts and I see her gesturing at the dobe.

"You don't want to know." I find myself envying her that she is not acquainted with that blonde ditz.

"Hee hee," Naruto laughs with that stupid mug of his that I want to punch so hard. Clearly I was still angry at him, so much so, that everything he does or says at this moment in time is going to send me in frenzy.

"Who me? I'm N…Naruto, Sasuke's friend."

WHO THE HELL IS YOUR FRIEND!

I hear my knuckles crack, not realising I had been clenching them so hard.

"His friend?" the woman carries on, "not his…uhm…how do I put this…boyfri-"

"HECK NO!" Naruto and I scream out simultaneously, and I bite my lip hard to prevent the string of insults that was threatening to spill out. I glare at Naruto who suddenly looks sick and is clutching his stomach as if to prevent himself from throwing up. I can't blame him, I too feel like doing the same thing. But the moment is short lived when he suddenly shoots straight up and throws his clasped hands in the sky like some lunatic before grinning from ear to ear like an idiot.

"Teme!" he yells startling me as he dares wrap his arm around my neck. I growl at him as a warning that if he does remove his arm, I will remove it completely from the socket. He ignores my growls and looks at the woman, "please excuse us for just a moment."

And then pushes and pulls me to the side.

I shrug his arm off me, "This had better be good."

He jumps excitedly, "Hm…Hm, it is!"

I roll my eyes at his childish antics, "Well say it before I damn well beat it out of you!"

He hugs himself and rubs his arms up and down, "I'm allergic to violence!"

My eyebrow twitches and he knows I'm running low on patience. He clears his throat, "pretend to be gay."

My mouth drops, I'm astounded by his never ending stupidity, is he trying to make me kill him. Before I can lift my fist he zooms behind a tree for protection, "Wait! Wait! Let me finish."

I grind my teeth, "You have 20 seconds."

"You won't get a better place than this that suits your needs just perfect and you know it. But she won't let you live with her unless you are female and you won't live with her unless she is practically invisible in the three month period."

"So? What's your point?"

"My point is that if you pretend to be gay she won't have any interest in you, she will leave you in peace and when your apartment is fixed you both part ways never to see each other again. You can go back to living like an emotionless prick in that dungeon of yours." He finishes his explanation huffing and puffing as he looks at me hopefully.

As much as I hated to admit it he was right, I wouldn't be able to find a place as suitable as this without having to sleep in someone's decomposing DNA. I cringe at the thought of going back to the motel. Although Sakura was a woman she didn't seem to be interested in me especially after Naruto claimed that I am gay. So I guess I didn't have to worry about her running up to me every morning, batting her eyelashes and clinging to my arm. I'd be able to work in peace.

I felt a little bit calmer seeing the situation from a different view now.

"Alright, I'll let you go this time."

Naruto's eyes shine and water up as he hugs my legs, "Thank you!"

He then proceeded to dance in a circle muttering stupid nonsense about Kakashi's mask.

* * *

Sakura P.O.V:

_He is gay. He is gay. Gay_. The phrase kept rotating in my head as I stare from the hyper looking blonde guy to Sasuke. I was flabbergasted, what could one say in this situation? My mind was still trying to wrap around the events that just took place. If he was gay did that mean I could…well…sort of classify him as being female? ARG! I don't know! I wanted to rip my hair out in frustration or knock my head somewhere.

Wait a minute but who was this guy?

The blonde one, that popped out of the bushes like some peeping tom. My imagination starts to run wild, I suddenly imagine the blonde one naked, blind folded and laying on his stomach on a bed. Sasuke comes out of nowhere and runs his hand down his own neck and chest sensually, before twirling and falling on top of the blonde guy. They both gasp and make cooing noises and…and…and…OH GOD I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A NOSEBLEED! I shake my head and point at the guy in front of Sasuke, "Who are you?" _please tell me before I get any more wild ideas._

"You don't want to know," Sasuke replies, his voice almost husky, that I blush. _Uh actually I do or else my mind will keep thinking things._

"Hee hee," the blonde laughs sheepishly, "who me? I'm N…Naruto, Sasuke's friend."

Friend! Friend? The vision I had suddenly comes spiralling back until I see the two sweating and cuddling against each other. God no! Sakura! You're not a pervert for God's sake; pull your head out of the gutter.

"His friend?" I ask carefully, "not his…uhm…how do I put this…boyfri-"

"HECK NO!" they both scream, startling me. Naruto suddenly looks slightly green in the face and I can't help but look over their features. There was no doubt that Sasuke was drop dead gorgeous. _Why is it that the gay ones are always the most handsome_? Jet black hair, obsidian eyes, perfect facial features, a body that was most probably out of this world (judging by the size of those arms in that black tee) and most importantly he was tall. I always hated that most about Kiba; the fact that my head came right under his chin.

Naruto was good looking too, in a cute way; bright blonde hair, blue eyes, goofy smile, good build, tall as well. Except he was a little… how to put it…weird.

"Teme!" Naruto yells so suddenly that my heart jumps in my throat. He grins sheepishly at me, "Please excuse us for just a moment."

I just stare at them as he drags Sasuke away to the tree in the corner. Oh god there goes my imagination again; I can see Sasuke being pressed against the bark of that tree. _Naughty Sakura naughty,_ I scold myself smacking my head. When I hear Naruto suddenly yelp with glee and see him dance around the tree. Yeah he definitely has a screw loose somewhere. Sasuke whacks him over the head and then two glare at each other before making their way back.

"So now that the misunderstandings have been clarified, I hope you won't have a problem with Sasuke being a tenant here for 3 months?" Naruto beams at me.

Was I ok with it? I had no idea. Is Sasuke considered female in this situation? Would it be too rude to ask? Will I be discriminating if I said no?

All these thoughts muddled and mashed together making me have a brain fart. But what Naruto said next clarified it all.

"I thought you need to pay the rent deposit by Friday, today is Wednesday, I don't think you will find anyone else in such a short period of time." He waggles his eyebrows teasingly, knowing full well he is absolutely right.

* * *

"Lastly, this is your room, " I say nervously as the walking Adonis nods his head, opens the door, drags his luggage inside and closes the door without uttering a word; just as he had when I had given him a tour of the rest of the house earlier. I shiver, god it was like talking to a brick wall. An ice cold brick wall. Not to mention I think I pretty much embarrassed myself by saying random things to try and break the chilling silence.

FLASHBACK

"Uhm so yes the walls are brown in the laundry room, uh brown…funny thing how brown is the colour of poop, don't you think? I mean… I'm just saying that's it's a general colour for poop…I'm not…not saying mines in brown…yours is brown right…uhm it could be green, I don't know-"

"…"

"I…I…I think we should go to your room now. Yep let's do that!"

END FALSHBACK

God why the hell did I say that? Why? Poop of all things! What was even going through my mind when I said that? I'd like to know! I moan banging my head against the wall softly.

_I need to hear sound,_ I think dizzily as I make my way to my room, which was next door to his, and immediately call Ino to tell her everything.

* * *

Sasuke P.O.V:

The room was small yet sufficient enough for its cause. The walls were white and bare, and I cringe at the remembrance of how the woman babbled on about poop. Thanks to her I don't think I'll ever look at the colour brown the same way ever again. _Was she sane?_ I hope she's sane, for Naruto's sake. I rub my temples and sigh, "God I am best friends with a headache." I pull my suitcase from the doorway and put it next to the bed before surveying the rest of the room.

A small wooden desk pressed up against the front wall close to the door; with a small office chair and lamp. Behind that was the bed, queen sized with clean crisp light blue linen draped on the pillows and duvet. To the right side of the bed was a small pedestal which had some draws; a perfect location for my guns, cuffs, badge, etc. There is a bathroom as well which I am thankful for, I do not want to share a bathroom with Sakura, and prefer my own personal space. I glide my finger across the bathroom vanity and mirror and smile…spotless.

Just as I am about to unpack, I hear giggling from next door and it grates on my nerves. _Please tell me it wasn't going to be like this all the time._ Naruto said she'd be invisible to me, this was not invisible. I pull out my head phones, turn the music up to drown the stupid female banter out and begin to unpack.

"We need to set some house rules."

* * *

I finally finish sorting out my room just as night falls. My stomach growls and my eyes droop, but before I could eat or sleep I needed a shower. Lord knows what I've been contaminated with during the day in that motel. I pull out the earphones, hearing the sound of water gushing. I guess the woman had the same idea as me.

I strip down and step into the shower, turning the water on until it's lukewarm. The water was soothing; just perfect for the stressful day I had today. My anger suddenly bubbles again, just how in the hell am I supposed to pretend that I am gay? But I knew what answer Naruto would give. _Just act the way you always act, emotionless to woman, a prick with a stick lodged way up your asshole and you will be fine._

"Tch." I click my tongue, "As long as I don't have to play the** actual **part I'll be fine."

I switch the water off and walk out, drying myself as I wrap the towel around my waist. I make sure the bathroom is tidy before turning the lights off. I pull on a pair of grey sweat pants, but before I can put my white wife-beater on **(AN: it's a man's sleeveless top) **a screech rips through the air and on instinct I run to Sakura's room to help. I burst through the door, accidently bumping into her as we both topple to the floor. It takes me a second to realise our position. I am flat with my back to the floor whilst she's straddling me; wearing nothing but a white fluffy towel. Her face is flushed, hair wet, and she has tears in her eyes as her lips quiver. I don't know why I have the image of a puppy in my head, but I swat the image away as I sit up and try to push her off of me. Instead she yelps and circles her arms tightly around my neck; whimpering something unintelligible. I must be super irritated that's why the hairs on my neck are standing; as her breath caresses my ear and the scent of her strawberry shampoo fills my nose. No one has been this close into my personal bubble before and I didn't like it. In fact I'm sure I'm uncomfortable with the whole situation otherwise my body wouldn't be tingling all over, like a bad itch I wanted to scratch.

"I can't hear you," I growl threateningly giving her one last chance to tell me what is wrong.

"C…co…Cockroach," she rasps out, "There's a huge cockroach in the bathroom."

I roll my eyes and grit my teeth. _Yep we definitely needed to set some house rules._

"Move." I snarl.

She gasps and stumbles backwards, gripping her towel. A hue of pink tinges her cheeks but she doesn't try to act girly or be flirtatious; instead she apologises and averts her eyes.

"Hn," I must say I am surprised, this is new for me. If any other girl had been in her situation they would have taken the opportunity to try and seduce me or even gawk at my bare chest. However, Sakura was modest and shy, as a man I felt responsible to ease her worries. "Don't fret woman. It doesn't affect me in the slightest seeing you like this."

Her eyes widen, and she bites her lips anxiously. _Was she disappointed_? But again this woman takes me by surprise, "I know. It's because you are only interested in **male** body parts."

My jaw slacks and my eyebrow twitches. The anger that I had pushed down throughout the whole day comes bubbling back up to the point that I cannot hide it anymore. Naruto's stupid grinning mug dances in my vision, _"GAY GAY GAY!"_

Furious I pick up a slipper from the floor, stomp towards the bathroom and smash the living daylights out of the cockroach on the wall; imagining it to be Naruto's face. When I was satisfied and awfully calmer I drop the infested slipper to the floor and storm back into the room, pass the woman clad in a towel and just as I was about to exit the door she squeaks out a thank you. "But your slipper is full of cockroach blood and guts now. If you'd like I could get you another pair."

I snort and can't help but let a sly smirk slide to my face, "You are wrong, it's not **my** slipper I used."

Just when I think her eyes can't get any bigger, they do and she makes a quick glance at my feet to see that they were indeed still covered in my own slippers. Her face turns from green to blue to red in a split second. Her eyes narrow and the words that come out from her mouth have me amused, "Shannaro."

* * *

I hope you all enjoyed that chapter. Please read and review. I'd love to hear your thoughts. ^^


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